Living together and being married is always going to be a balancing act in terms of your responsibilities versus the time you manage to find together in order to connect with one another. In particular, the romantic connection can be hard to maintain the longer you are a couple because many other things get in the way, and not every couple makes this a priority.
Spending Quality Time Together
A lot of couples get resentful of their partner because their romance seems to have gone off the boil and sex has become a faint and dim memory because they haven’t had it in so long. Couples with children will especially suffer from this problem.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Romance and intimacy are possible if both partners agree to make time for it and prioritize it. In this way, you can balance the time together with the time apart. The romantic connection will be maintained, and intimacy will therefore remain an important part of your connection.
What’s Your Love Language?
The marriage counsellor Dr. Gary Chapman has written a series of books about what he terms the 5 Love Languages:
* Quality time
* Acts of service
* Praise
* Gifts
* Physical touch
He states that everyone has a primary and secondary love language, and that one of the reasons why couples have trouble in their relationships is because they don’t speak the same love language.
So for example, if you are working an 18-hour day in order to serve your family because that is your love language, but your spouse wants quality time with you, something is going to have to give.
It can be difficult hearing that your partner is not happy when you are working so hard, but resentment and anger are not going to solve the problem. The good news is it might not even take that much of an adjustment. Setting aside just half an hour every night (for example, after the kids have gone to bed) where you spend time listening and talking, could make the other person feel you were putting them first.
Maintaining Your Relationships
Another issue couples face with regard to quality time is the commitment to the people in their lives before each met the other – such as parents, siblings, friends and colleagues. It’s unreasonable to expect them to just dump these people once they start dating or living with you. And chances are you would be pretty resentful if they asked you to stop seeing the people you care for.
It’s also pretty unreasonable to always want to tag along. It’s one thing to feel included and welcome. It’s another thing to be so insecure you don’t trust your partner on a girls’ or guys’ night out, or begrudge them the time they go over to their parents’ house to help with the cooking, cleaning or gardening.
These commitments actually show how trustworthy your partner is. They don’t just drop people when it’s convenient. They show up, and deliver the goods. And in many cases, they actually recharge their batteries and can actually give you better quality time, however brief, because they are energized, have had a change of scenery, and/or are using skills they enjoy.
Agreeing What Quality Time Means
The best thing couples can do, especially if they think there is a disconnect with their love languages, is to discuss what quality time means to each person and how they can schedule it regularly. It might be date night once a week, or a shared activity such as a walk in the park before dinner. Scheduling sex may sound a bit forced, but it can also lead to a spring in your step and a twinkle in your eye knowing you’ll be focusing on that aspect of your relationship that night.
