Listening is a vastly underrated skill as compared with good public speaking, but think about
it. A good speaker is nothing without people willing to listen to them.
Many people are in such a hurry to explain their ideas or express themselves that they rarely let other people get a word in. This is not a great way to treat friends and colleagues. It is an even worse way to treat your significant other.
If you seem to be struggling with communication issues, it might be time to assess how good a listener you really are.
Being a Good Listener
It often helps to know what being a bad listener is in order to understand what you are aiming for if you want to become a good listener. Here are a few illustrations of the difference between a good and a bad listener.
Making Time
We are all busy, so, “Have you got a minute,” is often the way we open conversations at work and with friends. They mention what is on their mind, and your response is likely to be one of several things, all unlikely to be conversation openers, but rather, communication closers.
You might go into full problem-solving mode and tell the person what you think they should do, even though it might not match their skills or abilities. It is important to consider not only the other person, but also the reason they are speaking to you. Your colleague or partner might not want you to “solve” their problem. They might just want you to be a willing ear and really hear them.
You might respond negatively with an abrupt, “I really don’t have time for that now.” The risk is shutting down the conversation not just at that point, but forever. They might think you don’t care or really don’t have time for them and they are on their own.
A different approach might be to say, “I’m just finishing up something now. Can you please give me X minutes, and then I will be able to give you my full attention.”
Listening without Judging
Telling someone what to do after they have told you something is judging them and the situation – usually in relation to your perception, not theirs. However, this is rarely helpful because we aren’t all the same, and what may seem like a minor issue to you could be a big deal to your partner.
A good listener will therefore try not to comment or problem solve, but let the person explain the situation from their own point of view.
Repeating What You Think You Hear
For a bad listener, what the person says is not always what you hear. Again, this might be a value judgement on your part, such as that the person is always complaining, is never happy, and so on. This devalues the person’s trust in trying to come to you for help, and real communication will not take place.
An alternative is to really listen to the person, and when they are finished speaking, to repeat what you think you have heard. You might phrase it like, “So what I think you’re saying is that you’re worried we haven’t been spending enough quality romantic time together, and you would like us to schedule a regular date night without the children around.”
Defensiveness
No one likes to be criticized. If you’re correct about what you’ve heard in the example above, you might be furious that they are complaining they are not getting enough time with you; you already think you have plenty of quality time, and so on. But remember, this is their perception. They are telling you the truth and hoping you will be willing to discuss the issue and work with them to resolve it.
You’ll never know what’s on a person’s mind if they give you the silent treatment, so practice being a good listener and see how much your relationships improve.
